Another draft.
If I was good at writing what I thought,
I’d come up with some way to wonder
how it’s possible that this boy is in love with me
when I’m such a wreck all the time.
Then I’d admit that, earlier when he was here,
I silently thanked God for every single freckle on his body,
especially the three on his lips which are my favorites.
I’d say that I sometimes convince myself that, if I kiss him
enough, those three freckles will somehow rub off
onto my own lips and then he’ll understand why
I always point them out to him.
I’d write about the conversation we had earlier
about fate and how I never know if I believe in it or not.
I’d say that I never know if I can believe in God
and in fate at the same time and then I’d write
that I’d decided I could because, if I’m wrong,
God would understand.
All this talk of God would make me think
of things that are bigger than me, like gravity,
and I’d say that I wish I knew how to defy it,
just so I could say that I did.
And that would make me think of those jet planes
that go fast enough to leave me speechless
and how much I’d love to fly in one.
Except, I’d get scared and I’m sure I’d be sick
so maybe it’s better that I just stay on the ground.
And that brings me back to gravity
and the fact that gravity cannot be defied
by remaining on the ground.
I’d have to write about how ridiculous
some of these thoughts have been and
how everyone always thinks their minds
move faster than other people’s when,
really, we’re all just thinking at the same speed.
Thinking about the way people think makes me think
that it’s impossible to think for yourself.
With all those thoughts there’s no way that there’s
anything original left to think.
But thinking about things that haven’t been
thought yet is like trying to create a color.
Impossible.
But forget impossible.
I’m heart-deep in an impossible situation.
In fact, when I get to heaven I will apologize
to God for ever thinking I was smart enough
to determine what was and was not possible.
I’d love to know why he didn’t make it
so that it could snow in warm weather,
and why he decided we should
sleep at night and play during the day
instead of the opposite way.
But if there’s one thing I know it’s that I know
absolutely nothing and that it’s better that way.
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